Before and After Christ

Before Christ I was a depressed borderline suicidal person living a pointless life of working for myself. I was diagnosed as bipolar and hospitalized 3 times. I was also a porn addict, which, like most sin, yields short term pleasure and long term depression/death, and also gives you an unhealthy view of women and makes you a pervert.

After Christ, Christ started doing things in my life. The first thing he did was convict me of my porn addiction of 18+ years. While I tried to stop at first, I couldn’t do it in my own power. For a while I had no internet access and a dumb-phone and even them I was tempted to use public internet for it. Honestly that helped deal with that addiction tremendously. Then I discovered Ever Accountable and realized part of the reason I did it was lack of accountability and consequences. Then Christ hooked me up with a women who hated pornography and the 1 time I slipped up, when I was barely awake and was using accountability apps and didn’t realize I could use Amazon Echo for audio porn, I slipped up and listened to it, and that almost ruined my engagement. Having more serious consequences to sin actually helped me, and it also stopped me from masturbating b/c I was so scared that that would lead to Porn like it did that last time.

Christ found me a wife to live and be more effective at serving God with. Near the time of marriage, Christ had me figure out a way I could lift weights in the morning, I discovered leangains/IF which freed up my morning time for exercise. 20 days before the marriage I was hooked up with a CPAP which will give me good rest and allow wife to sleep with me as I can’t snore with it.

I’m also no longer depressed and most likely no longer bipolar, and I was either healed or falsely diagnosed when it was a spiritual attack on me.

Atheist to Christian Testimony


You can, I did.

So I was raised Christian only in the sense that Jesus and God were about as important as Santa. I remember as a child, once I figured out Santa wasn’t real, beginning to question if God was a big lie made up by adults as well. By the time I reached adolescence I realized I had no real reason to believe in God and began identifying as an atheist-I believed in no gods. I pondered the subject greatly and decided that it made much more sense that all religions were wrong rather than one being right, that there was no hard evidence for God, and that everything in the Bible sounded like absolute nonsense-especially in light of my education in the sciences.

The thing is that I understood that nothing could possibly matter but the answer to the question, “Do I have a purpose?” and I never stopped seeking if there was an answer. Nothing else was worth seeking so I never stopped thinking about that very subject. All the conclusions I had came to, everything I saw pointed to religion being utter nonsense, the religious being the foolish and the uneducated, and that all of life and existence was some random accident that just happened to occur and would be over as soon as it started.

I never questioned that stance until the day I had a good friend talk to me. He didn’t have incredible thought provoking statements, he didn’t have nearly any answers, but he had faith. I was mocking this man to the face for the beliefs he held dearest and he was brushing aside my rudeness as if it were leaves in his path. His message was clear-it was that he knew that there was a God and that He was Jesus Christ. He confessed himself that he didn’t have all the answers but he knew religious leaders I could talk to that did. He was sure. I laughed off the entire conversation at that moment but I distinctly remember in the moments before I fell asleep that night asking myself, “Could I have been wrong all this time?”

It was the first time I was no longer 100% sure there was no God and it opened a new chapter in my life. I had spent years finding every single reason to not believe in God but had never taken the time to consider that there might actually be reasons to think that He exists, and I began to see them. The fact that the theme of human existence is the struggle between good and evil point directly towards Him. Without God defining good and evil all of our struggles, all of our dreams, all of our desires, all of our love-all of it was just a bunch of complex chemical reactions. Everything I knew told me that all that we experience and live is real, it’s tangible. I was living it. Not only this but I realized that this universe was made so that life-the only thing that could give existence meaning and purpose-could and would occur. Whatever caused this universe to happen made it so that it could and would have purpose. That demands sentience. That demands God.

These thoughts continued for a month until I realized one day that it was true. It was all true, there was a God and His love for us was so evident. The love of a God that put breath in our lungs, the love of a God that lets the sun shine on our backs, the love of a God that lets us look into our loved one’s eyes is the same God that multitudes had claimed to have witnessed to walk this earth in the flesh and lay down His life to save us. Everything became so clear in that moment.

That night was the most incredible night of my life as I fell on my knees in repentance of my sins, willing to follow Jesus as my Lord. I received the Holy Spirit and was born a new man-a new man who put all of his sin behind him in that moment. I went to all those in my life-all those I had instilled my brand of atheism into-and professed to them that I was wrong and that they needed to repent as well. I had found myself in the midst of a group that was getting more heavily involved in crime to fuel our drug usage. I was laughed to scorn and quickly found myself living my days alone.

It’s been quite a few years since that day and I now find myself in a thriving church community that is living in obedience to Jesus and I couldn’t even begin to explain to you the joy and mirth of knowing your Creator, of knowing your purpose, and of knowing your family that you will go to spend eternity with. This world is just the beginning-the beginning that only those who are willing to repent of their sin and obey God will find eternal paradise to be their end. If I hadn’t found Jesus I know I would have been found guilty at the judgment of my sin and justly been condemned to an eternal hell for what I had done. My Creator loved me enough to give me a second chance, loved me enough to seek me and show me His love, loved me enough to walk the earth in the flesh and die at the hands of His own creation so that He could pour out His blood as payment for what I had done. He rose from the dead to the witness of hundreds and has given His Spirit to countless thousands so that we could know that this was the truth.

A Cautious Wedding Testimony

It took 3 hospitalizations in order for me to come to Christ.

My first hospitalization due to bipolar was in 2011 winter solstice. I had an idea in my head that everything was going to be peaceful and fine if I followed certain steps and that I would eventually meet a girl. I followed certain steps, a man asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, I said “yes”, and there they mistreated me as a drug addict, then wanted to observe me for 3 months as bipolar to get on the right medications. I wanted to leave the hospital very badly at the time. The theme of the first hospitalization was “If there is a will, there is a way”, I just didn’t know who’s will and what way.

My second hospitalization was due to bipolar in 2013. I simply acted like I was demon possessed, which concerned my parents and they took me to the hospital. This time they didn’t keep me as long, and I met a Christian man who tried to tell me about Christ then assumed I was a Christian, when I wasn’t. Still nothing really clicked for me then.

My third hospitalization experience was the most paranormal one where Jesus revealed himself to me in Spirit, that he was behind everything that was happening to me. Other patients there performed an evil prayer over me, which made me think I was going to be damned. Then I thought people there wanted to murder me, and my room mate didn’t help by saying that “they” tried many times to. I experienced audio hallucinations, and the second they mentioned Jesus, Christ revealed his spirit to me directly. Then he gave me another chance to tell my parents about him, and I declared “Jesus is Lord” in front of them.

The third hospitalization to me proved God’s existence to me and I decided to take the introductory bridge course at my church, because I wanted to be baptized. There I learned about God, hell, and sin for the first time in a long time, and began making friends with Christians. And yes, I finally got baptized in June 2016.

I’ve had relationships in the past but nothing was working, and I couldn’t find a suitable partner for a long time. I finally got to a point of frustration with God and prayed to him, “If you want me to be married, I will. If you don’t want me to be married, I won’t”. I mentioned in my bible study I was praying for marriages and was told that they would pray for new ones to occur too. Then I met a lovely lady named Dani at bible study. We clicked immediately, and it was apparent after a while that God choose us for each other. It was also apparent that God had us on the fast track towards marriage, and that the purpose of our marriage would be to glorify God. Dani is the best gift I could ask for, besides Jesus. Without God, we’d have never met. Without being sanctified and prepared by each other by the Holy Spirit separately, we’d never have been compatible. God in his perfect timing brought us together at the perfect time. We plan to be married November 10th, 2018.

I should have been a junky..


I turned 30 today. I hardly ever go on Facebook, but thought I’d reply to the bday messages piling up on there.

When I was 16, I ran away from home. I’d been living with my single dad for 10 years, and my mum was an alcoholic/addict. As I type this now, my sister, brother, nephews and nieces are all either alcoholics or ice addicts.

I was surrounded by drugs and alcohol in my rural community. It was everywhere – in the homes of my best friends who id visit, in my school, and also in my own homes.

But when I was 16, I dropped out of school, and ran away to Sydney, Australia with the little amount of money I had, and started completely from scratch. A month later, my mum died by crashing her car a hundred metres away from her home. She was drunk..

Since then – and although it took me a long time to get the hang of things – I’d reform my life. I came to Christ when I was 21, quit drinking, quit my violence and wild temperament, and enrolled into ministry at 24. Since then, iv preached in 4 continents, been used by God to bring other people to Christ through my testimony and preaching ministry, and am currently living in China doing things with my life that I never thought possible… and though I still struggle with a lot of things and have plenty more room to grow, I know that I am ok.

Back to Facebook… I came across some pictures of my old best friends from the town I escaped from. And what I saw just gave me so much sadness. They all (all) look like the heroin addicts I used to pass by everyday on my way to work in Sydney. The pruned face, the sunken cheeks, and the dead eyes… the emptiness. Surrounded in their photos by paraphernalia and alcohol.

It really hit home. My mum, my dad, my best friends – everybody throughout the course of the first 16 years of my life – fell to it..

Everyone except for me.

It makes me sad, but it also opens my eyes. It made me see behind the vale, of how God protected and guided my fragile life through the vast mine-field of crime, alcoholism and addiction that I was living amongst… it makes me see, that although iv had my share of moments with God where iv doubted Him, and even been angry at Him, that behind the scenes He’s always been my ever present help in danger. He’s always held me in the palms of His hands, and kept me away from monsters that would eat me up..

And today, I’m 30 years old. I still look youthful. I’m fit and healthy, and my mind is sharp and powerful. I have amazing friends, and fulfilling relationships. I’m clean from the harm that should have succumbed me. I don’t say this to brag or gloat, but only to call attention to the bleak reality that could have (should have) been…

I’m so grateful for my God.. and I love Him so much for what He’s done for me.

I hope that anything iv shared can also help you to reflect on God, and also help you to see His working in your life in a clearer way.

Thank you, Jesus.

I was raised in a culturally Jewish, religiously secular home. I converted due to an experience with the Holy Spirit.

It’s a little bit like trying to explain a new color, but I’ll try.

I was meeting a friend of my friend’s for the first time. The three of us were hanging out together, walking through our city, and getting to know each other. We got on the subject of religion, and my friend’s new friend asked me if I believed in God.

As I opened my mouth to say no, I became overwhelmed with the presence of the Holy Spirit. In that moment I literally felt the enveloping presence of a sentient being surrounding me and actually sharing my headspace with me for a moment as if to say, “I’m in here, you reading me?”

I was actually a pretty militant anti-theist at the time, and didn’t even believe in Jesus as a historical figure. But when this presence came over me, I was certain it was God, and it was imparting to me the truth of the gospels and that this very force had taken a lifetime in the flesh as Jesus Christ. Jesus was just simply the identity of this being.

It’s hard to describe how I was so certain of it. It was almost like information was just uploaded into me. The conclusion I’ve come to is that a created being has it within them to intuitively recognize their creator when in their presence. It really felt like a reunion with a long lost best friend than any sort of introduction.

The two things I can most closely compare it to: Falling in love. It’s very easy to say love doesn’t exist, that it’s chemical reactions, that people are acting in mutual self interest or at most reciprocal altruism. But actually falling in love is proof of love for the person doing the falling. You experience love. You become convinced of its reality because you’re experiencing everything that it is. It’s not easy to mistake love for anything but love. When I experienced God, I became convinced. I couldn’t mistake Him for anything but the creator of the Cosmos, and my creator.

The second thing is waking up from a dream. When you’re in a dream, you don’t necessarily know you’re dreaming. You may even “falsely” wake up in your dream, thinking you’re awake, but really still be dreaming. But when you finally do wake up into reality, you know on an internal level that you are truly awake. You know what reality really feels like. Waking up from a goofy dream, where flying elephants were real and no one had heard of pancakes gives you that “oh, right I’m dreaming. I’m not in narnia, of course pancakes exist, and of course flying elephants aren’t real.” You just know you’re back to reality.

When I experienced God, it was like waking up to the broader reality of the spiritual world. That feeling I described above is exactly the same. Almost remembering. “Oh, yeah, of course there’s a God. Obviously it’s Christ. I’m a created being, in a created world.” It was just intuitively obvious after experiencing it.

And just feeling God’s nature. You can tell this being is the source of all Goodness and Love. I knew God knew every little secret misdeed I’ve ever done, every single angry and bitter thought, but He still loved me thoroughly and completely and without any hint of judgment about any part of me or my past. His love felt not only like a fatherly sort of love, which it did, but simultaneously like a love you have for your best friend. A deep connection of mutual respect and genuine interest in one another. A “liking” not just “loving,” if that makes sense. And at the same time, a feeling of affection. Like a parent with a baby or even an animal lover with their favorite pet.

It was just so profound and beautiful and unlike anything I can truly describe. This all literally swept over me in the instant between I was asked if I believed in God and when I tried to respond. I ended up just stammering my way into an “I don’t know” and letting my friend start talking about religion. Then I just enjoyed the presence of God, and we actually had a little conversation.

I hope you get to experience it for yourself. I still don’t know exactly why I got to experience Him and others who are just like I was don’t get the same courtesy. But it’s the most beautiful moment of my life, to date.

I didn’t realize how happy I was to find out God existed. I thought even if one religion was right, I would be displeased with that. But the moment I knew God was so perfect and Good (and quite funny, in my experience!) I was more thrilled than I’ve ever been. I think even most Christians (who haven’t had such an experience) are going to be very surprised by just how Kind and generous God is. There is a reason people say “God is love.” We’re not just going to be worshipping at His feet for eternity. We’re going to be getting along with Him like a best friend and fulfilling our deepest joys, which we were created to fulfill.

Anyway I’m sidetracking myself. Sorry for the long windedness. I get very excited when talking about my experiences with God haha.

How I found christ

So this is a story that was told to me my parents’ friend. I heard it a couple months ago so I don’t remember all the details. Also, English is not my first language, so just look over some mistakes I might make on the way.

So about 25 years ago, he had a wife and 2 or 3 children. He worked as a watch repairman and he was a heavy smoker. Neither him nor his wife were believers. That, however, changed when his wife started praying and sometimes going to church, because she had some friends that were Christians. When he learned about this, he wasn’t happy. He told her she’s gone crazy and that she joined a cult and so on. Things escalated to much that they almost got divorced. Now, one day, however, she decided to go visit Medjugorje and she somehow talked him into going with her. He went there very sceptical, and he was looking forward to proving to his wife that this whole thing is a fraud and she should let it go. This was about 23 years ago.

Now when they arrived, he wasn’t very impressed by the state this village was in. Very small, pretty poor, middle of nowhere. But then they went to the church. There was a priest and he blessed each person in there individually. They were standing in line, and after one received his blessing, he returned to the back of the church. Now, the man didn’t want to go stand in the line. He wasn’t interested in receiving a blessing. But the church was very small and there were many people so he was just being pushed forward and he had nowhere to escape. He then decided to just stop trying to leave and just get on with it. At the moment the priest blessed him, he felt something change inside of his. He felt as happy as never before. Nonetheless, after receiving the blessing, he left with the line of leaving people. He then stood outside the church and proceeded to grab his pack of cigarettes in order to smoke one. But he suddenly relalised – he completely forgot how cigarettes tasted. He just wasn’t interested in smoking one anymore. He has never smoked since that day.

Nowadays, he and his wife are both very devouted Christians, as well as their children. (Before they became believers, his wife was pregnant, but she had interruption. This happened 3 times and years later, they regretted this very much. He prayed asking God for forgiveness when he heard a voice telling him that they should have another 3 children in order to make up for that.) He is a singer in the church and he is one of the nicest people I have ever known. Always happy, willing to help, giving advices. And a little fun thing I noticed, whenever he prays to St. Anthony to find his lost things, it always works for him. It’s really insane. He even found his stolen wallet once by actually hearing a voice in his head telling him where it is. This is a man that truly believes in God on the deepest level.

AgentSmithRadio reddit testimony


I wasn’t planning on writing this post. It’s going to be a long one, so thank you if you decide to read it. I’ve heard stories like mine many times in the past and to be frank, I never believed them. I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me but I am compelled at the moment to write it.

It was 2006. I was in high school, agnostic and suffering from depression. I was too smart for my own good and frankly an insufferable turd. I was attending my parent’s church out of obligation. My father had recently converted and my mother began studying theology (she has her Master of Divinity now) three years prior.

On March 1, 2006, I suffered a horrible nightmare. I barely understood it at the time and it was completely foreign to my mind. At that age I was regularly having lucid dreams and I remembered my dreams very well. This one came out of left field and as stupid as it sounds, I never believed that it came from my mind. It felt like the dream lasted for days. This dream has kept me up many nights over the last decade and I have yet to forget it.

I jolted from the nightmare on its conclusion and suffered what I can only describe as a panic attack for the next two days. I had locked myself in my room and refused to have a conversation with anyone or eat. My parents thought I was sick and left me alone. My brain kept replaying the nightmare over and over, trying to understand it. It was completely foreign to me.

To summarize the dream without writing a novel (as you’ll see below), I was in Hell. It was not an image of Hell I had ever seen before. The only visions of Hell I possessed at that age were the fire and brimstone version and the black nothingness version. It felt real beyond anything I had experienced in a dream before and is the single most terrifying thing my brain has witnessed.

I became obsessed with the possibility of an afterlife and didn’t want to end up with what I had just witnessed. Over the next several years I became obsessed with theology, history, world religions, near death experiences, prophecies, anything to help me understand what I witnessed. I spent countless hours debating theology as an agnostic on various forums, attempting to find out what I believed in.

Eventually, I discovered Christ. When I was 19, I was baptized at my parent’s church (I became a member shortly after). I’ve stumbled a lot in my walk with God but he has always stuck with me.

The last two months in my relationship with God have gone incredibly well. I’ve been able to open up to him in my prayer and forgive those in my past who I never thought I could forgive. Through prayer, he helped me quit smoking, a habit I picked up from an abusive relationship I had once suffered. I had tried to quit several times before, but never did I ask for his help because I was never ready to actually quit. With his help, I finally did.

He has transformed my life and I can say with full honesty that I do not recognize who I once was a decade ago. My relationship with God is worth more than anything else I have and I imagine I will have a whole eternity to be grateful for it. I’m a good place with God right now and I look forward to the coming years.

With all of that context established, I can get to why I’m writing this. A few days ago, I was compelled to read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.,%20c.s.%20-%20the%20great%20divorce%20-%20can%20a%20loving%20god%20send%20people%20to%20hell%20-%20(perfect!)(clive,%20cs%20lewis)%20(christian%20library).pdf

I’ve seen this book mentioned many times on this subreddit and I was already familiar with C.S. Lewis’s work, primarily Mere Christianity and The Screwtape Letters. It’s a great book and a short read. I highly recommend it. However, it leads to the point as to why I’m writing this.

I dreamed The Great Divorce in 2006.

I dreamed that I was stuck in the Hell described by C.S. Lewis. I visited various stores and I waited for the same bus. I was spoken to by a spirit of a person I once knew, trying to show me Heaven. I rejected her. I not only rejected her but I hated the spirit so much that I tried to kill her. I tried to sink a dagger I had conjured into her back before ending up back in Hell. I spent what felt like days in that Hell before waking up.

Lewis nailed down the details which I saw and experienced, down to the fight at the bus stop, the eternal evening twilight and the rain. I knew what was happening the second I started reading Chapter 2. I had seen this world and allegory before.

I’ve known God long enough to not accept most events as mere coincidences. What happened to me appears to be beyond a coincidence because what happened to me is impossible. Aside from being an unwritten character, I witnessed what C.S. Lewis wrote 60 years before. I had never seen the book before, no one had ever talked to me about it and I had never witnessed that view of theology (albeit in allegory) or Hell before.

It’s the ultimate joke. 10 years ago, God gave me the dream which drew me to him. Now he shows me that the dream that changed my life was a telling of one of C.S. Lewis’s bestselling books from another perspective.

I’ve had a few days to recover from this discovery. I’m not sure what to think about it. I’ve prayed a lot since opening the book but I’m still at a loss. What do you say or think when you’ve witnessed the seemingly impossible?

As I said at the beginning, I don’t expect anyone to believe me. I said before that I’ve rejected believing these kinds of stories before. I need help understanding what I just witnessed. I’m at a loss.

Thank you for reading.

Edit: I want to thank you all for the incredible support and insight you’ve all been offering. It’s been an interesting few days for me to say the very least. I’ll continue to make an effort to respond to every comment which comes in. You’ve all been very helpful and for that I am truly grateful.

Edit 2: /u/andmoreagain posted a short story in this thread from Philip K Dick. I may not agree with all of his conclusions but it’s eerily similar to mine. Thank you for sharing!


After 15+ years of unbelief, I’ve begun to believe in Christ and wanted to share my story. This is long, but I wanted to get it off my chest.
I was raised in a nominally Christian household. My mom took me to Church somewhat regularly for a few years while I was a kid but, we stopped going for some reason. I decided around the age of 10-11 that I didn’t really believe in Christianity and it was probably untrue. Learning more about world history and other world religions convinced me that since all religions couldn’t be true, that must all be lies. My parents weren’t strongly Christian enough to really seem to notice so I never got “in trouble” or yelled at for my unbelief.
During my high school years a teacher introduced me to Ayn Rand so I went through a few years of being an arrogant Objectivist jerk. I thought technology and humankind’s intellect could save the world. My fervor for Ayn Rand died down, but I was still really into the idea of humanism. I associated Christianity with hating and disbelieving science.
Throughout and after college one thing that kept growing was my cynicism. I lost faith in human progress, human nature, and human institutions. Even if you give people new technology and science they are still the same old people. And institutions always become corrupted over time (something that history affirms). I entered a phase of existential nihilism where it seemed like the universe was a cold dead place. Couple that with my views on people, and I didn’t find much hope in the world. I reached a point where I wished some religion could be true but felt they were all lies. I wasn’t depressed (during this phase I also met my wife and was pretty happy) but I got down in the dumps if I thought much about it. My wife told me that if she had my view of the world and people she would probably commit suicide. She believed in a benevolent God, although she had fallen away from Christianity at some point in college.
At some point in college, I had abandoned my like of Ayn Rand’s ideas. Science lost its luster as I realized I didn’t find it that interesting anymore. I was much more interested in literature, art, and philosophy. As I grew older, the selflessness and humility that Jesus preached made sense to me. I just didn’t think he was divine or anything besides a great teacher. I really enjoyed the album The Black Halo by the band Kamelot which was about a character who wanted to believe in God but just couldn’t (
Towards the end of college I encountered two authors that would cause me to think about some things. Fyodor Dostevsky and Gene Wolfe. If you haven’t heard of Gene Wolfe, he’s a science-fiction author whose work is highly literary and often influenced by his Christian beliefs. His Book of the New Sun provided a fresh take on various Christian concepts for me. Wolfe’s work said that everything humanity had ever done to establish a utopia would always fail and would always be doomed to fail until a savior came. The idea of Original Sin and its view of human nature made a lot of sense to me. I found the worldview both authors presented as accurate, but it didn’t prove the existence of God to me. I also wondered how God could have made a world filled with so much evil.
A couple of years ago, I watched what is now the first season of the HBO show, True Detective. It really helped crystallize some things for me. One of the main characters, Rust, advocates a view that says we are all automatons cursed with self-awareness and that we would probably all be better off not having any more children and letting the human race come to an end ( I went into a tailspin of melancholy for a few months. I realized that with my current philosophy, there was no way that I could logically disagree with him. As time went on, I felt happier, but every few months I’d have some days where I felt pretty sad and would navel gaze about the meaning of existence a lot during my alone time.
During this period I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I found it interesting but didn’t feel it was true due to the Problem of Evil. A year later I read it again. I realized after the second time that Lewis, combined with Dostoevsky and Wolfe, gave me the logical groundwork and worldview I needed to sustain a belief in God. God gave us Free Will and the ability to make this world a Hell if we chose.
I also don’t want to underestimate the influence my in-laws had on me. They were highly intelligent, trained in medicine and science, and serious about their religion. Their kids (my wife included) had all turned out great and they seemed pretty happy with their lives. They are two of the best people I have ever met, and it seemed like whatever they were doing worked. They knew I wasn’t religious but never treated me with anything except kindness, love, and acceptance.
Ultimately, particularly while at my wife’s grandfather’s Catholic funeral, I decided I wanted to believe. I had the logic I needed. I had exemplary people who showed what being Christian could be like. I felt a historical, cultural, and moral connection with Christianity that I didn’t feel with any other religion. It was easy for me to say “Christianity is the only religion that has any hope of being true to me.” It was time to go to Church, pray, and hope God would provide the feeling. One conversation I had carried with me for years was when I told a Mormon co-worker I didn’t feel that God existed and that I didn’t feel as if He was listening to me. The co-worker told me that he believed if a person prayed with an open heart and mind, God would take care of the rest.
So far it seems to be working. I’ve been going to Church every Sunday and have really enjoyed it. I went to an Ash Wednesday service, and I felt a sense of homecoming. I find hope in the idea that a creator cares about us, and I pray that He will forgive me for denying him, my arrogance, and the anger I’ve felt at people over the years. I still have questions about God and His will, but I am not afraid to ask and seek out the answers. I’m ready to leave my days of hating people and being angry at humanity behind me and to leave judgement to God. I will instead focus on making myself a better person and helping others. I am hoping to be baptized soon.


My testimony is always a joy to tell. I was listening to music when a song entitled “Israel” came on, which depicts Jacob wrestling with God. This stuck my conscience as it felt like it related to me. I looked up the passage in the Bible in Genesis and felt as though something had clicked. I had not made Christ Lord over my life, I was living how I wanted to live without putting Christ first. I immediately broke down crying and suddenly heard a Bible verse in the back of my head (it was a clear man’s voice, I still cannot remember what specific verse I heard, but I remember freaking out because I knew that it was in the Bible). It hit me, all these times I have prayed and tried to hear the voice of God, I should have just been listening to His voice through Scripture as THAT is how He ultimately speaks to His people today.
I broke down, closed my eyes and for the first time in 21 years prayed with a heart of true repentance. I cried, “God, please Lord save my soul for I am no better than Satan! (paraphrase)” I immediately saw a visualization of a pitch black room getting lit up from an unknown source. It was then at this moment that I felt I understood I had been lying to myself about being a true Christian all these years. I then saw a beautiful flash of a intricate cobweb of colors while I was closing my eyes still, as that represented an “epiphany” of understanding the Scriptures as a whole and seeing the unity within Scriptures (I grew up studying the Bible, so I already knew how it worked, but never really connected the dots as it definitely being the official Word of God) all at once. It was as if I could see the Bible’s unity, represented as a cobweb of colors. I then began to weep uncontrollably and here is where the interesting stuff happens…
I lost a sense of my body. It was as if I got launched into a dream-like state, yet completely conscious. I had no sense of time, and no sense of ego. All I saw was a blacker-than-black area. It felt as though it was infinite in size, and my soul was suspended in it. I immediately saw a very clear outline of a wooden door. This door, which felt as though it was hundreds of feet tall, cracked open. It didn’t open completely, but all I saw behind the door was the brightest light I have ever seen emanating from inside. It didn’t light up the blackness surrounding it, but lit up the door significantly which was suspended in this seemingly infinite darkness. However, it did feel as though this light made me aware of the darkness surrounding it. I was in complete awe when I saw this and felt for the first time in my life that I had seen/felt God. Not knowing exactly what was going on, I just accepted it as I felt this light was trying to envelope me with its presence. I felt, at the time, that it was the Holy Spirit.
I then felt an unexplainable wave of energy (almost like an invisible wave of water in the ocean) hit me first in the head and overtake my entire body. The light from the door I saw that was cracked open entered my body. Not all of it, but an essence of its fullness, which would be the Holy Spirit. As soon as I felt this it was as if I had been propelled back down to earth. I opened my tear drenched eyes, with snot dripping on the floor in front of me, and the first word that popped in my mind was “Sword” (I also felt the presence of this word while I was looking at the door crack open, as that is where it came from). I didn’t know what it meant, but knew I had heard/felt it. I immediately got up and said to myself, “I have been regenerated!”
That was three weeks ago. I have deciphered the meaning of “Sword” as meaning the sword of the spirit. God’s way of telling me with the English language that He saved me and gave me the Holy Spirit. I have joined XEE (a gospel sharing ministry in my church), all of my depression/anxiety I suffered with for years is completely gone, my relationship with my fiance is mended completely (as she was a true Christian, and I was not, so we had many problems), and I have an unsatiable hunger for the Word of God and sharing it with others (reading multiple chapters everyday).
The funny part is that after I was “born again,” I lost around 5-6 pounds over the next 7 days, just because I could barely eat anything! Another funny thing to mention as well, is that in my past I had smoked plenty of weed, drunk plenty of alcohol, was addicted to caffeine, enjoyed cigarettes/cigars a bit too much, and even had done LSD. But NOTHING, and I repeat, NOTHING will ever compare to the infinitely pure sense of peace and purpose I felt on the day of my regeneration. The ultimate, and only true, “high.” Which I certainly still have to this day. 😉
Have a great day! 😀

A Cautious Testimony

Coming to Christ for me was like the pang of child birth, and I guess you could say I was literally born again my 3rd time in the hospital.

Where to start? I was a happy child, however growing up I matured at a young age and was interested in girls, but I did not know the ways of the world and these girls ended up rejecting me making me take on the spirit of depression.

From probably about 13 on I was depressed, my goal in life was to be an artist, and my parents dabbled with the idea of going to Church, but I thought it would be a boring waste of a Sunday and why bother.

I struggled in life, and when I struggled I believed in God I just did not know the true nature of God. I looked for God in all the wrong places, mainly the internet. I had my own theory of God and the way the universe works, that our souls were infinite and eternal and that God was there to guide the soul to growth, and I essentially ignored the problem of sin and evil and what God’s plan was regarding that. I became a love and light New Ager and took my “theology” from the internet personalities like David Wilcock, who teaches the universe is divine and that we all have a purpose, things that sounded good to me, and I still believe we all fulfill a divine purpose.

Little did I realize I was on a dangerous path, and my deep depression was also causing irreversible damage to my brain. I ended up working in life as a computer scientist because I understood computers better than people, and I liked to play with computers. What made me believe in Christ was the following conversation I had with Christ throughout my life.

The first time I read the bible was at 17 years old and while I kind of believed what I was reading at the time about Christ,  I was afraid to tell my parents about him and I prayed to Jesus to show me if I was good or evil, I prayed fully in tears. Then I forgot about Jesus and got married to my first wife. She was adulterous and the reason she came out about it to me was because of a Christian sermon we went to where she felt guilty and spilled the beans about it. I forgave her but she didn’t get the real message, so she did it again and again and I finally got divorced to her in 2009.

During that time I was together with her God put some Christians in my life path, which looking back at it were instrumental to being saved. One of  them was while I was randomly traveling with my first wife, and he prayed for me. Another was a math professor at my university, and he said something I remember. He said he saw a Christian student and he asked him why he believed, and the Christian student said he believed but the math professor would just out-smart him in challenging his faith, just proving he is smarter and not necessarily proving or disproving the existence of God. This lead the math teacher to a path of salvation of his own and he became very in love with God, which puzzled me because I didn’t think Christians were very intelligent at the time, I guess the caricature on TV got to my head too much.

I remember picking up the bible once and reading that Jesus came for the sick and those in need of healing, and my thought was “I am not sick and in no need of healing,” and so I put the bible back down again. Later I think Jesus triggered my illness to prove me wrong on this accord, and while I was in the hospital I realized that everyone is sick to one degree or another, it’s just the REALLY sick ones that we notice as a society and shy away from.

These are stories in my life that didn’t necessarily lead to my salvation. I became very enamored in the New Age cult of love and light and this lead me to believe that a person that I would love very much would appear to me, if I only had faith and followed certain steps, such as going downstairs in my building and putting my hands/head against the wall until something happened. The “something” that happened was somebody calling the ambulance for me, which was my first hospitalization. I still say to this day that it was a voluntary hospitalization, but God did something to my brain. He was making sure I actually had some faith to see if I would be able to be saved and put on a different life path.

My first hospitalization was a bizarre experience and I felt like they were re-enacting the first chapters of the bible at the hospital, and at the time I thought I was a healer/God and I tried to rewrite the rules of creation. I overheard a conversation in the hospital about someone uploading a virus into creation that caused humans to become human and fall from grace. There were mentally ill people there and the hospital was trying to diagnose me as a drug user even though my tests came out clean, later they diagnosed me bipolar. This hospitalization was winter solstice 2011. The theme of my first hospitalization was “if there is a will, there is a way.” I just didn’t know who’s will and what way.

I was in a bipolar support group shortly after my 2011 hospitalization, where I would eventually meet my exAfter I broke up with her, I would eventually meet a Christian women as said in my wedding testimony who I decided to marry.

My second hospitalization was Spring 2013. This time I began to act weird around my family and believed I had the power to free my family from machines from the future. This time in the hospital I met someone who was special and told them we were going to take over the universe together. For better that relationship never worked out. She told me some bizarre things like random people missed me and that she was worried about her daughter Emma. I also met and became friends with a Christian man in the hospital, but for some reason he never really preached the gospel to me and just assumed I was a Christian, which I wasn’t at the time.

My third hospitalization was the freakiest hospitalization event ever. I went in because I wasn’t able to sleep for a couple of days and maybe went through some hallucinations. It was in October of 2015, right before Halloween. They slowly sneaked me through the hospital and I got weird messages from people in the hospital. One was that the love you feel in your heart is all that matters, this is what a priest said to a man who thought I was going to steal his girl friend Amanda? I’m not sure. Then I was attacked in the hospital when they (other patients?) said  a witches prayer over me in a secluded area and I saw through the dimensional veil and saw little imp like creature with it’s finger over its mouth wanting me to be hushed. I was so mesmerized by this that I kept quiet and confused. I remember shouting to one of the younger women who I thought was afraid of me who did the prayer on me, “Don’t worry! I’m not a Christian!” Then I was taken to my room and I had a strong feeling that people were going to try and kill me, and I became very afraid and would have almost jumped out the window if I was able to. When I realized I couldn’t break the glass I gave up and thought they were going to torture me. In the hospital there was a mean staff member who called me “man child of God” and told me I wasn’t welcome there and I thought was trying to kill me somehow and I was hissing and screaming when I thought he was trying to kill me, and I heard an old women’s voice in my head saying that me that her and me have my life down to the last second in essence proving God’s existence without God revealing himself, and that I was considered a true son of God, that Jesus’s death caused evil to win for all time. [Note: I now realize the voice in my head actually made no sense. What Jesus actually did DEFEATED EVIL for all time! Therefore, this voice was probably evil]. Then, in the hospital, I could feel the spirit of Jesus as I was sitting with my visiting parents, and my parents said “What are you thinking/what’s wrong?”, then I admitted, “Jesus is Lord.” This was very hard for me to say at the time and confused my parents. I later learned this confession can only be made through the Holy Spirit [1 Corinthians 12:3] – and no one can say “Jesus is Lord” except in the Holy Spirit.

The third hospitalization to me proved God’s existence and I decided to take the introductory bridge course [think Alpha Course] at my church, because I wanted to be baptized. I learned about God, hell, and sin for the first time in a long time, and began making friends with Christians. I renounced all my New Age beliefs. And yes, I finally got baptized.

One night I said a prayer for God to reveal how he thought about me, and God took me down to the devil’s realm and I heard the words “hedonite Israelite.” Now I know it’s the devils job to kind of make us look bad and I guess this is the worst he had on me. [Note: Now that I think about it, I think God wanted to show me that the devil had nothing on me, now that I was saved.] This is kind of a both good and bad mixed message for me, the devil considers me a pleasure seeking Israelite, which is odd because I am not from Israel but I might be God’s adopted Son through Jesus.

That’s the story of how I found Christ, or maybe he found me. Whatever it was, I am forever thankful for Christ to revealing himself to me and proving his existence to me so that I may be a thankful follower.

Later on, I got married and wrote a shorted Wedding Testimony. From my first hospitalization in 2011 to 2018 was 7 years. 7 is the number of God’s finished work and spiritual perfection in the bible, it is stamped on every work of God.

Testimony #1

Thought I would post this again, in the hope that sharing my journey and doubts might help others…. I’m in my 40’s and have come to Jesus in the last 18 months, and I had a strange string of coincidences, and one almost concrete supernatural event. First of all, I was at real low point, my wife and kids were in another country, and I was living in two countries due to work, plus financial worries etc, plus I was so depressed as I’d gone out the night before for a work colleagues birthday and had a hangover. I was like, I’m poor, I can’t afford to be in the same country as my family, and I’m too old to have hangover (especially as I don’t normally drink anyway) so I simply asked the sky the following… ‘god, are you real, cause if you are, I could do with some help. And btw, which one are you?’ Over the next few months, the following things happened. I had a dream in which I knew with absolute certainty Jesus was who he claimed to be, and I had this incredible feeling of peace, and I remember thinking these two sentences ‘there is nothing to worry about’ and ‘everything is going to be all right’. In 40 years, awake or asleep, I’ve never had a sensation like it, and don’t have the words to truly describe it. I put it down to a strange dream, but did wonder if it was more. I turn up to work and my colleague who is finishing the night shift is in tears. We’ve never talked about God before,plus she was new in our department. She tells me she had a dream, and in it her grandmother was with Jesus, and he tells her it’s her chance to say goodbye. She was agnostic at the time, but her grandmother christian. She calls home (from work) and tells her mother about the dream (I’m listening to the conversation). Her mother tells her that granny is in the lounge drinking tea, and is absolutely fine. She tells mum she is driving to see them anyway (3h drive) and when she arrives, grandmother has died unexpectedly. This shook me up when I found out all the details later, as I witnessed the call home the morning of the dream. I start to pray, but notice that all I ever do is moan about things and ask for help all the time. So I said this ‘god, all I ever do is moan. I don’t think I appreciate what I have. Is there someone I can help nearby?’ 3 days later an email from a woman arrives, asking for help with her husband who has terminal cancer and she need someone to sit with him for an afternoon, as she needs a break. It turns out she contacted the local church, one I’d only gone to once, ever, and they had my email and contacted me (along with other church members). Naturally I agreed to help. I saw my faults. This could have simply been early onset midlife crisis, but I saw how my attitude and ways were hurtful to others. I also so the things I’d done in my younger day, and how that would have hurt people. I also saw how my attitude was harming my marriage. As a result I made changes, and things got better, and the things my wife used to do to annoy me got better. I discovered that we can’t change other people, but we can change ourselves for the better, and by doing so, those around you change for the better. I’m beginning to understand what ‘born again’ means. I used to think it just meant someone who chose Jesus later in life, instead of being born into it. But now I see it’s a matter of changing the way you see the world, and changing your heart. Anyway, that’s what happened to me since I asked God for help. Yet I still have doubts. But despite my doubts, I’m choosing to follow Jesus, and continue to get to know him.